The Final Round

Once again, this is very difficult to write. My writing process for this blog involves me reliving these moments in my mind. So,  as you can imagine,  reliving it all isn't an easy thing to do. Yet,  here we go. The final round.

August 10, 2005

Daddy was very weak this day. His breathing was getting worse and his anxiety level was spiking. The anxiety was draining all his energy. Not to mention that his morphine breathing treatments were adding to his lethargy, but it was better than seeing him gasp for air.

The hospice nurse, I believe his name was Tom,  was on his way. During his last visit he had convinced Daddy to let him insert a catheder. With his weakening muscles, Daddy was no longer emptying his bladder all the way and this could lead to an infection. Daddy was not happy,  but agreed to do it to avoid infection.

When Tom arrived,  he and the on duty nurse went to work on inserting the catheder. I went into the living room to wait.  I could hear Daddy grumbling at them, they were trying their best to comfort him. I'm pretty sure he was cussing them... they just couldn't understand him. Ha. After a good while,  they both stepped out. "He's resting, that took a lot of energy because he got upset. We couldn't get it in today... I'll come back tomorrow."

Daddy dozed for a while and then it was medicine time. He needed more liquid morphine for his breathing and an Attivan for him being so worked up. He told me he didn't like Tom very much... I could understand why. We laughed about that. The rest of the night was uneventful.

August 11, 2005
The day started out pretty normal. Daddy was really lethargic,  though. He kept complaining about his breathing.  I gave him more morphine to help. R came on duty, she was a welcome sight. Daddy recognised her presence,  but he was not alert like he normally was. As R and I discussed what we could do for him,  she glances at him over my shoulder.

"Oh my God,  Kristen... it's happening." I spin around to look at him. His chest was struggling to rise and his face was turning blue. His eyes were half shut, faintly fluttering. "Get out!  You don't wanna see this... no!  WAIT!  I dont want to tell you what to do! " We both briefly panicked before we caught our heads. This all happened within a moment's time.

R grabbed the nebulizer and put the morphine in it. As it came on I held the mask to his face. His eyes had closed,  but he was still taking slow shallow breaths.  R and I had tears running down our faces. "Can he still hear me? " I asked R.
"Yes. I believe he can." She stood beside him on the other side of the bed.

As I stood beside the head of his bed,  I leaned down at his head. I put my head close and started whispering,  "I love you,  Daddy." I rubbed his arm as I rested my head on his shoulder. I kept repeating,  "I love you, Daddy" as I watched his chest rise, slower and slower. Finally, his chest didn't rise. I turned to R, " Is he...?"
"Yeah..."

At that moment,  I felt it well up inside me... a hysterical cry. I began a sob, when suddenly a calm washed over me. Momma. She was there. She was taking Daddy. I did not see her,  but a child inherently knows their Mother's presence. She was in that room. The peace I felt knowing they were together again... it was like no other feeling. I felt peace. I was heartbroken to lose my hero,  but at peace knowing my parents were together again.  Together,  watching over me.

As quick as I felt her presence, I felt her leave. I felt Daddy leave with her. The room felt as if it had been sucked dry. I walked out with R. We shut the door,  he was no longer there, no need to linger. Now the hard part... phone calls.

The monster may have won the fight, but this is a war. I continue my Daddy's fight. Not in the sense of fighting within my body like my Daddy, but fighting on a larger scale.  Fighting for a cure. I fight in his honor.  I look forward to the day I can look up with a smile and tell him... we won,  the Monster is gone. I await that day with all I am.

Please share and spread awareness. Help me get to that much awaited day.  Thank you!