May was the big month. Graduation. At school I felt half present, my morning routine kept getting longer as the Monster drained more and more strength from Daddy. I was getting up at 530 and getting to school with barely enough time to go to homeroom. I'm sure I looked like a rag-a-muffin, no make up and sopping wet hair everyday. I was over high school. I guess I could blame the Monster for that, too.
People starting bringing Daddy equiptment. I didn't know til later, but it was the wonderful ALS association. They brought him a lift chair that he could get in and out of easier. My first blow of reality came when I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The ALSA lady was talking with Momma and Daddy in the bedroom. The door was almost shut all the way, but open just enough so as I passed by the door I heard her say, "A trach will only prolong your life... its not a permanent solution." My heart dropped. It is real. He isn't going to get better.
Oh, and I believe I have failed to mention- I didn't know the monster's name. Not yet... I did not know Daddy had been diagnosed. Its not as if I was unaware that Daddy was not going to get better, no... I was aware. It just had never been confirmed to me. I just think Momma couldn't tell me, because she needed me to be the cheerleader. She needed my optimism to get her through.
The big day came. Honestly, its still a blur. I know that if it hadn't have been for my awesome family, my Daddy would have missed the whole thing. It was a true blessing he was able to make it. It was the second to last time he left the house.
My graduation party is a blur too. Honestly, trying to remember it, visualize it in my mind is difficult. If I could project my memory of it on a screen it would consist of voices and blurred faces spinning in a haze. There are only a few moments of clarity. I remember walking barefoot on the driveway. Taking pictures with my friend. Taking pictures with my cake. Most of all, I remember the feeling that everyone felt sorry for me. Not in a mean, intentional way... but rather, sad knowing what was going on and what was inevitably around the bend.
After the party, Momma started showing signs of severe fatigue. I would get Daddy in the bed and go into the living room only to find her passed out on the couch. I would then wake her and see that she got to bed.
The Monster was siphoning strength from Daddy, but it was also breaking Mommas heart.
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