The days to follow are a blur of fragmented memories. I remember waking up Sunday morning, feeling like it all should have been a dream. The harsh punch of reality quickly put me into a haze. I know people were at the house... I honestly can't remember who. Sorry. I feel bad admitting that, but my honest memory looks like a fog. I know I functioned... I walked, I talked, but that was pure survival skill. My brain was on strike, it was more than I could take.
My next burst of clarity was sitting next to Daddy at Mommas funeral. I remember leaning my head against him as we cried. I also remember my long time friend from childhood singing Amazing Grace for Momma. I remember listening to her angelic voice, knowing how much Momma adored her singing. I locked eyes with her and I lost it. Next thing I remember is walking out. Holding my teddy bear and walking next to Daddy and his wheelchair... I scanned over the faces in the pews. Somber, sympathizing eyes gazing at me. It was too much. I feel my lip shake and my emotionless face once again disapears into a squinched, tear filled mess. My brain shuts off again.
Last thing I remember clearly about that day was sitting grave side with Daddy. It pours down rain and the bozo funeral directors sat Daddy and I right at the seam of the two tents. So as the preacher drones on about God and Him calling us home, which I had no intrest in hearing at that moment, my attention is caught by the constant drip of water falling between Daddy and I. I know Momma was laughing at me. Here I sat, at her funeral, and instead of paying attention, I am focusing on this dripping water. Holes in the Floor of Heaven came to mind and I rested my head on Daddys shoulder and let the drips hit me anyway.
Next clear memory I have is my aunt (moms sister) teaching me how to write a check and how to pay bills. Most people get introduced to this gradually over time. I, however, had to take the crash course. After being introduced to Mr. Checkbook, I remember I had recieved a checkbook cover as a graduation gift from my moms best friend. At the time, I had no use for it... so I put it away. I ran up to my room and pulled it out of the drawer. For the first time I read the words on the front of it. Tears ran down my face as I read these words of my new reality:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
No comments:
Post a Comment